“I never did learn how to play Sudoku,” I said.
David meets someone more damaged than he is.
“Oh, it’s easy. You’ll get addicted.” Then she showed me how to play. That I felt grateful for this interest in bettering my gaming skills shows just how bad things have gotten.
What do you do when you realize that you’ve fucked up your life? That you’re in your late 40s and still alone, even though you’ve learned so much and you’ve tried honestly and enthusiastically to meet someone, but that even after the sober self-evaluation and the working toward becoming a better man, and — tolerant, empathetic, willing to risk — nothing came of it? That you’ve grown disinterested in your work and yearn for something simple and true, that you hate your new apartment, that you miss your neighbor’s handjobs, that a loneliness penetrates your nervous system deeply enough it’s physiological instead of merely emotional? So what do you do?