I need a haircut. Today. My hair is simply too long. But it’s not going to happen and it doesn’t change the fact that I need one right now. I used to like my hair a bit long. Intuitively, you’d think it would make me look young. But I’m getting older and for some strange reason long hair makes it worse. I think it might put in relief how old my face is. When I was little, short hair made me look precocious. Now, says my mother — annoyingly — short hair makes me look younger. She said this after I told her I was going on a date tonight — a first date.
“You must get your hair cut today,” she said.
“Your hair looks awful. It makes you look old.”
Naturally, that put me in a bit of a panic. But it’s impossible to get my hair cut before tonight. Well, it is possible, but I won’t just let anyone cut my hair. Whenever a professional does it, I’m invariably disappointed. And invariably, it takes days afterward for my hair to settle into something that looks decent. I usually get my hair cut by a friend.
“I understand your hair,” my friend once told me.
I pay her fifty dollars. She doesn’t cut anyone else’s hair; just mine. She used to throw in a blowjob at the end. But it started seeming silly, so she stopped doing that. No one cuts my hair the way she does. She makes me look like a hip Etonian. The problem is, she’s out of town for the holiday. So there’s no way I’m going to risk a bad haircut right before a date with a stranger. But my hair really looks awful. There are some other problems. The date is ten years younger than me. And also, she sounded humorless in her emails from the dating site; she did not like jokes.
I feel that a good haircut might resolve everything. Alas.